In the church environment in which I grew up, sexuality outside of monogamous, heterosexual marriage was quickly associated with impurity and sin. As a young man, I therefore sought help from my role model at the time, a theology professor. He prayed with me and laid hands on me. Despite this mighty anointing of the Holy Spirit, God has never blessed me with "victory" over masturbation.
I took it for granted that all these problems would be solved automatically once I got married. What a nasty surprise when the time finally came. Because now the dilemma was even worse. I had learnt that ‘sex = flesh’. Although I was convinced that sexuality can also be a gift from God, I could only be fleshly in the face of a woman who rarely felt the need for it. We sought help from hobby counsellors, i.e. from pastors or elders in our movement a number of occasions (mainly because of the other marital problems), and although the subject of sexuality was addressed superficially several times, I never really dared to talk about it openly, because that would have meant explicitly admitting that I was fleshly. For her part, my wife tried to ‘make herself available’ to me much more often than she felt the need or desire to do so. As a result, I was regularly with a woman who felt more discomfort than pleasure, which was a real disappointment for me every time. Over the years, we accumulated mountains of disappointment and – at least for me – eventually disgust.
Nowadays, when it comes to consent, people are talking more and more about the principle of ‘only a yes is a yes’. I wholeheartedly endorse the idea. What I deplore is that only one of the two aspects of the problem is being addressed, namely that of the woman. All men have to do is put a clip on their willy.
But what options are there for a married man who can't live out his sexuality properly? Pornography, infidelity, prostitutes? Our monogamous societies offer no solution that is really acceptable, not only legally but also in our moral understanding.
Nowadays, when it comes to consent, people are talking more and more about the principle of ‘only a yes is a yes’. I wholeheartedly endorse the idea. What I deplore is that only one of the two aspects of the problem is being addressed, namely that of the woman. All men have to do is put a clip on their willy.
But what options are there for a married man who can't live out his sexuality properly? Pornography, infidelity, prostitutes? Our monogamous societies offer no solution that is really acceptable, not only legally but also in our moral understanding.
In recent years, I have intensively studied my past and found out that my sexual needs can be explained scientifically, that is, they are not the expression of some spiritual impurity:
Testosterone is a sex hormone that men produce mainly in the testicles. Daily testosterone production in men (7 mg) is around ten times higher than in women (0.7 mg). In women, it is not only produced in significantly smaller quantities, but partially also in different organs. This hormone is not only responsible for the sex drive, it is also responsible for the increase in muscle mass and strength as well as bone density. Men are therefore generally stronger than women, and the bone mass of an adult man is proportionally somewhat higher. And, testosterone not only affects the libido, it also inhibits the stress hormone cortisol. Because less testosterone circulates in the brain in women, the stress hormone also has a greater effect on them. Women are therefore usually more emotional and anxious than men.
The ‘sexual centre’ of humans is located in the diencephalon. The nucleus of the nerve cell nucleus preopticus medialis – even if only several millimetres in size – is more than twice as large in men as in women. Among other things, it controls typical male behaviour such as dominance, aggression or sexual drive. This control centre is missing in women. In them, dominance, aggression and sex drive are decoupled and are controlled by different nerve nuclei in the diencephalon. There are also gender differences in brain areas that are responsible for cognitive functions. On average, women have a relatively larger language centre and research results suggest that these anatomical characteristics correlate with higher language skills in women.
When men do sports, it is often as a competition to compete with others. Women, on the other hand, tend to do sports because they like it or for their health. Communication – the social aspect – tends to be more important to them than competition.
When men do sports, it is often as a competition to compete with others. Women, on the other hand, tend to do sports because they like it or for their health. Communication – the social aspect – tends to be more important to them than competition.
In short: If more men than women take on leading positions in business and politics, then there are hormonal and neurological reasons for this too. I welcome equality and gender diversity at every level. I am simply saying that there are essential (biological) differences between the sexes that are positive and complementary.
Now, the sex hormone testosterone not only affects social behaviour, it also influences sexual behaviour:
Now, the sex hormone testosterone not only affects social behaviour, it also influences sexual behaviour:
Men need more sex than women!
The fact that I had to systematically restrain myself on a sexual level during my 17 years of marriage was a huge problem for me. It was as enormous as my religious fanaticism was extreme.
Monogamy, as the only traditionally accepted form of marriage, places a considerable number of men in challenging situations. Legal solutions do exist, but they tend to be despised by society:
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Woe betide the politician who is discovered to have been with a prostitute!
And as the #MeToo movement has brought to light, not all men manage to keep their sexuality in the check of legal practices.
Abstinence and illegal, sexual practices
Particularly among Catholic priests, who must remain celibate ‘in the name of God’, this can lead to paedophile abuse. Moreover, the dogma of celibacy has no biblical basis. In the Bible, priests were married – to at least one woman. And in this context it is important to note that the Bible knew of perverse practices such as zoophilia or paedophilia (of course illegal), but in the polygamous context of the Jewish Canon paedophilia was an unknown phenomenon: Outside the law no text speaks of it.
In a polygamous environment, my ex-wife's qualities would have come to the fore and the tensions on a sexual level would have been balanced out. However, since I attributed my sexual needs to my flesh and did not regard them as a gift from God, I sought the solution to my soul's unrest in religious fanaticism.
In a polygamous environment, my ex-wife's qualities would have come to the fore and the tensions on a sexual level would have been balanced out. However, since I attributed my sexual needs to my flesh and did not regard them as a gift from God, I sought the solution to my soul's unrest in religious fanaticism.
By Chris Zürcher. Page updated on 18 January 2025
